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Igor Mortis Goes Missing
By Lucy Furr
Underneath the full Grimace moon, members of a new secret organization kidnapped our staff writer and archivist, Igor Mortis. The only message left behind was still in his typewriter the next morning:
While we have submitted these (and other) findings to the Captain of the Gourd, and pleaded with the Council of Loathing to take more drastic measures, we have received no solid help in locating our missing writer.
Head Editor Luna Lovegood herself has not eaten, slept, or written anything of worth in days. Right now, she is pacing in her office, muttering "cotton picking finger-licking chicken pluckers," and stabbing things with her letter opener, including our typesetters who are coming in periodically to check up on her.
First analysis of the letter has revealed to us that it must herald a more menacing return of the Penguin Mafia, as "chick's" was spelled with an apostrophe. Not being a correct use of the possessive, we realized that adventurers were not responsible, as the Ghost of the English Language would have stopped such a horrendous misuse of syntax.
While we wait for leads on our archivist's disappearance, we have debated and decided to publish his last known story written for this newspaper. Perhaps someone out there can anonymously report the identities of the perpetrators from the cult who broke into our offices late last night.
If you know something, please Kmail Lucy Furr (#1063925) or Luna Lovegood (#894860).
The Haert of the Matter
Stephen Spookyraven was well-known for his love of animals, and equally well-known for his total inability to keep them alive. He had a soft spot for the runts, the weaklings, the crippled, maimed or sickly animals, and could never resist taking them in. They rarely survived, and worse, often spread debilitating diseases to any of the pets that might have actually been in recovery, killing them as well.
The vitality that Stephen could not give to his pets has returned to them in death, however. And while no one is much concerned by the legions of undead hamsters, cats and monkeys that prowl about the abandoned pet cemetery, it seems surprising that so few have drawn the obvious link between Stephen's skeletal menagerie and that menace that haunts the Nearby Plains, the Bonerdagon.
Thousands of adventurers have fallen beneath the Dagon's bony wings and horrible rending claws. Time and again it has been felled, only to reassemble itself and rise once more. And still no one knows what this menacing beast wants; none have ever found out what motivated its grisly return from beyond the grave.
Stephen, poor caretaker though he was, was much beloved by his pets. Small or large, every animal he took in loved him immensely. And though the Council would have you believe that some malign magic has reanimated these corpses, the truth is that all of them -- even the frightening Bonerdagon -- are simply driven by a desire to be reunited with their one-time owner. These poor creatures, doomed to be smashed apart over and over, are merely victims of a horrible misunderstanding, perpetuated by a Council that thrives on mayhem and violence.
No one ever tried to talk to the Bonerdagon, though. Due to its horrendous appearance, it is met only with fear and hatred. By now, it is far too late to reason with it, it instinctively attacks upon spying adventurers. The Council has twisted this once-noble beast into a hate-fueled automaton, using it to lure adventurers ever deeper into their maniacal plans. Truly, there are no depths to which they will not sink.
Strange Spookyraven Suspicions
by Luna Lovegood
Some enterprising young orcs have set up an unofficial tour of the Spookyraven Manor. Along with the expected historical facts, the tour guides are offering bits of gossip and rumors.
It seemed worth investigating, so this Probe reporter went for a visit. However, the tour seemed to leave more questions than answers.
For example, could it really be that the brains served up by the zombie chef belonged to the Council of Loathing? It certainly would explain a lot. Is it possible that the Library holds the secrets to all the kingdom's mysteries? Is the pretentious artist really boycotting the haunted gallery? Is it true that King Ralph and the Naughty Sorceress had a fling in the haunted bedroom?
Time will tell, and we will continue to research and bring you the latest news. For now, I will resume my search for my missing colleague.
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